Humor

Famous Authors Respond to your Late Night Texts

You:

cum over,, i need u

 

Sylvia Plath:

I took a deep breath and listened to the old brag of my roommate sleeping. Last time we hooked up, I didn’t come, I didn’t come, I didn’t come. But if you expect nothing from anyone, you will never be disappointed. I have the choice of being constantly active and happy or hooking up with you. Or I can go mad ricocheting in between. I’ll be over in fifteen.

 

You: wyd

 

David Foster Wallace:

This is so American. We’re so desperate for an anesthetic against loneliness, and what passes for some hip, meaningless line of questioning is actually a fear of being human. And but so what you’re really asking me and what it really means to be human is overtly sentimental and frightening and sincere and pathetic((I’ll be over in fifteen)).

 

You:

what party r u @

 

Ernest Hemingway:

I am at a party at a house. The house is red. It is night. It is not light out. Every day above earth is a good day. The neighbors are asleep. LAPD came and scolded us. The others looked silently. It was not a bad party.

 

You:

where do u want 2 meet up

 

Henry David Thoreau:

I went to the Greek Bowl because I wished to live deliberately, to front only the essential facts of this hookup and see if I could say hi to you in the marketplace tomorrow, and not, when I came to die, discover that I had not texted you back.

 

You: netflix n chill?

 

Joan Didion: You have to pick the movies you don’t walk away from. To free us from the expectation of having to watch Gladiator with the subtitles on with your roommate, to give us back to ourselves – there lies the great, singular power of self-respect.

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