Humor

Egregious lies I tell myself throughout the course of any given day

7:30 a.m. I am going to wake up soon, and I’m going to squeeze in some writing this morning.

9:00 a.m. I feel physically good and am planning to eat a balanced breakfast.

9:15 a.m. I enjoy the sensation of chugging scalding coffee like it’s beer and then dry heaving into my mug a little bit while deciding on what shoes to wear.

9:30 a.m. Today is the day I start writing my senior thesis.

10:00 a.m. I might be the James Franco of Occidental College.

11:00 a.m. I look great and my idea to go an extra day without washing my hair was profound and subversive of beauty norms imposed upon women everywhere.

12:00 p.m. It’s a noble idea to drink three more Americanos, which I realize ahead of time each contain three shots of espresso.

1:00 p.m. It’s great that I can feel my heartbeat in my stomach post-Americano consumption and I definitely do not have multiple vitamin deficiencies.

1:04 p.m. My anemia is not coming back.

1:30 p.m. I am not worried about graduation, because I have many skills and talents that are attractive to employers.

1:31 p.m. My existence is not futile, and it is within my power to enjoy my experiences. All of my mistakes are endearing and subject to be written about in upcoming memoirs.

2:00 p.m. My professors understand me and why I am using iMessage and Twitter instead of participating in class.

2:03 p.m. I should be Twitter famous.

2:15 p.m. I still enjoy sitting in a classroom and do not find the experience bizarre and a little demeaning as a 21 year old.

2:23 p.m. Writing down buzzwords I hear devoid of context will be enough to do well in this class.

2:30 p.m. I do not regret choosing DWA as my major, and I love all of my peers equally.

2:45 p.m. I am not peaking in college.

3:00 p.m. I will apply to grad school.

4:00 p.m. I might be ready for a serious relationship.

4:30 p.m. I’m going to squeeze in some writing.

5:00 p.m. If I tried, I could write a bestselling children’s book about myself.

5:05 p.m. Practicing for a fake interview about my nonexistent bestselling book in the bathroom of the Mary Norton Clapp Library is not a waste of time.

5:07 p.m. I am not a pathological narcissist.

5:08 p.m. I could go into acting.

8:00 p.m. I understood all of “Infinite Jest.”

9:00 p.m. I am not going to drink too much tonight, and I will maintain total control of any situation I find myself in.

10:00 p.m. I am not going to try and sing “Flagpole Sitta” to the entire group of people I am with.

11:00 p.m. Everyone loves when I sing “Flagpole Sitta.”

11:35 p.m. Everyone is just intimidated by me.

12:30 a.m. I should uber alone to Jack in the Box and eat two orders of Curly fries by myself.

1:00 a.m. I’m going to sleep well tonight and not be kept awake by memories of my mistakes, regrets and various moments of heartbreak.

1:03 a.m. I will only look at memes for five minutes.

1:15 a.m. I should start a food Instagram account.

1:30 a.m. Am I addicted to my cherry flavored chewable melatonin tablets?

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