At 11:34 a.m. on a fateful Tuesday morning your phone lights up to notify you that your roommate tagged you in a Facebook comment, inevitably drawing you into an unfamiliar world of lust and intrigue. So you’ve been Oxy Confessed.
You are accustomed to coy denials to your friends that being Oxy Confessed is just “something that happens to other people.” But that Tuesday morning confirmed what you had been thinking all along: You are pretty cute.
Like a seven. Eight, maybe. On a good day. Finally someone is appreciating you for the above-average catch that you are. Well, at least appreciating you from afar in an untraceable manner.
Now that you think about it, you have been taking better care of yourself lately. Those new shoes were a good move. Your admirer was probably thinking about you in your new shoes while immortalizing you in the Oxy Confessions cyber hall of fame, ensconced among all of the great crushes that have come before you.
So what’s next?
1. You’re definitely not going to be like weird or anything.
2. It sure would be nice to know who it was.
3. Probably not any of your friends, they would have been more obvious about it.
4. Revisit your “someone-is-finally-appreciating-the-eight-that-you-are” theory (although, let’s be honest, nine wouldn’t be too much of a stretch for you).
5. Go back to the source material: What did they say about you?
6. Start emphasizing the traits with which they were infatuated so as to draw your suitor out from the masses.
7. They identified you by your hair first and foremost, so that sounds like a good place to start. What else, what else.
8. They recognized your “nice smile,” which you always have thought to be one of your best traits. Man, isn’t it nice to finally have someone that just gets you?
What have you got to work with?
A) having hair and B) having a smile, which combined is the surefire ticket to having them “feeling some type of way,” as they put it themselves.
What are you going to do?
You are going to comb your hair every morning, that’s for damn sure. Comb that hair so good, they won’t know what hit them. And smiling. Suppose you’ll just smile more, just smile at everyone, regardless of context. Everyone.
On the other hand, there really are a lot of possibilities as to who this vague “they” could be. A lot of hypothetical lovers to smile at and comb your hair for. And even then, when you inevitably do run into them, would they even say anything to you? You can’t help but notice that no one has exactly been throwing their arms around your neck on the Branca Family Patio.
Maybe this will not turn out to be quite as simple as you anticipated it to be. Jesus Christ, listen to yourself, you thought this was your big break. You called yourself a nine. So you’ve been Oxy Confessed. So what. You’ve got class in twenty minutes.
As you walk to Fowler you see a group of people looking at their phones and giggling. You overhear them quote the Oxy Confession written about you. Could one of them be your secret admirer, the love of your life? You feel your heart begin to flutter when one of them says “It’s TOTALLY about Brian. The description fits him perfectly!”