I’ve been trying to get to know Myself for quite some time. As a recently turned twenty-year-old student, I’m told that now is the time to find my passions and forge connections that will last a lifetime. With stakes so high at the precipice of a new semester, I finally got in contact with Myself from the end of the Spring 2017 semester. I had many questions for him and we enjoyed a wide-ranging conversation, thus allowing an unprecedented level of insight into my immediate future. Below is an abridged version of our interview.
Sam, Beginning of Semester (BS): Thank you so much for taking the time to speak with me, I’m a huge fan of your work. I’m interested in what you have to say about a variety of things, since I certainly have an exciting and productive semester ahead. I know you must be busy with that summer research grant I’m about to submit my application for and the road-trip to Yosemite I’m planning with my best friends. Your schedule must be packed!
Sam, End of Semester (ES): Right, right, the summer grant. It’s been so long since that application was sent in … you totally didn’t get it. Turns out getting straight As in CSP doesn’t necessarily connote scholarly prestige. It’s not terrible, you’ll have work lined up. Plenty of hours. Food service. Nice establishment. Well, it’s fine. Like in terms of cleanliness of the building itself, all things considered. It’s Denny’s. You’re working at a Denny’s this summer. And I hate to be the one to break it to you, but Yosemite National Park ceased to be a national park about a month and a half ago. This political climate is not exactly conducive to that kind of protectionism. Oh, and all of your friends got their own internships. In Italy. Venice, specifically. They’re together in Venice on stipends, and judging by the time difference, probably all getting ready to go out, together, to something called a ‘gondola rave’ right about now.
BS: (extended pause) Right. That is … not the worst information. I suppose. I’m dying to know how my energy and verve will play out during this semester. You’ve expressed an interest before in, and I’m quoting here, “learning how to care less about what other people think,” and “really just taking some time for myself.” I certainly think that that all sounds great. I’m just wondering if there is any chance I’ll follow through on those sentiments?
ES: No. You — or rather I — bought into a false notion popular among driven, idealistic students: the sincere belief that, at the end of a semester, one will retain something even slightly resembling the sanity they enjoyed at the beginning of said semester.
BS: Well, uh, while I’ve still got you here, is there anything else I should get heads-up about? Any lightning strikes or acts of God that will find their way to me?
ES: Hm, I’m trying to think of anything that immediately comes to mind. The numerous all-nighters, throwing up in Braun, the bouncer keeping you out of SpringFest … Oh! In late February at approximately 4:55 p.m., you will finally fall down the stairs between Johnson and Fowler. Just really plunge straight down. You’ll go down not with a a bang but a whimper as you quasi-somersault. Just a real catastrophe. It hasn’t happened yet, and you’re not even aware that falling down those stairs is in fact your greatest, deepest fear, buried way down in that delicate psyche of yours. But it sure is. That’s life-changing right? That’s what you said you wanted?
BS: (long pause) Sure. Whatever. I think we’re out of time. I need to … work through some stuff. I’ve also got this application to submit and, right, we already talked about that. Nevermind.