Humor

Lucifer searches Whitehouse.gov for return policy on recently purchased souls

UNDERWORLD, i.e. HELL. — The bureaucracy of the Underworld is stagnant. Lucifer, dissatisfied with a recent batch of purchased souls, is scouring Whitehouse.gov for a coherent return policy on said souls rather than attending to his work responsibilities in Hell.

Lucifer is among many who are concerned by the removal of certain key web pages from the White House website, notably those about climate change, LGBT rights and civil rights. And, now, the return policy on the souls he just purchased.

“The return policy was there the day I bought them, Jan. 19. I … don’t want these souls anymore. They’re making me sad.”

He went on to unpack the cost-benefit analysis of his decision to buy the souls.

“I just don’t feel like I got my money’s worth,” Lucifer said, gesturing to the souls of Jared Kushner, Sean Spicer and Paul Ryan. “After buying Steve Bannon and Kellyanne Conway, I really thought I’d be getting a good deal. I mean, all I had to give Bannon was as much cocaine as he wanted. Plus a chic little leather cell phone holder that clips onto a belt,” Lucifer said.

Lucifer went on to describe the simple process for purchasing Conway’s soul.

“Kellyanne was even cheaper. It was just a gallon of self tanner with a few artificial nails floating in it.”

When asked to comment on why he is trying to return the souls of various White House employees and GOP members, Lucifer rested his face in his hooves.

“It’s not even like I want the lifetime supply of Cinnamon Orbit gum back from Spicer. That shit is disgusting. I really thought it would be cool to buy the souls of every Republican in Congress, but their souls suck,” Lucifer said.

When asked to elaborate, he provided further reasoning for wanting to return them.

“I know that kind of seems like the whole point, and don’t get me wrong — they are definitely evil — but their souls are all so goddamn boring.”

According to Lucifer, purchasing the soul of a Congressional Republican is remarkably easy.

“No integrity! I swear to God, throw them a few new vacation houses and they can’t be bothered to care about who gets puts in the Cabinet,” Lucifer said.

“I miss the chase,” Lucifer said before offering a sad smile.

According to Lucifer, the web page outlining the souls’ return policy has been removed from Whitehouse.gov.

“Honestly I’d pay for shipping costs at this point. Just get Betsy DeVos and Paul Ryan’s calves out of my sight.”

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2017 Fall Issue 9February 1st, 2017
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