Humor

Open letter to the person who ejaculated onto a bunch of our stuff

Dear person who ejaculated onto a bunch of our stuff,

Hi. It’s me, Genevieve. I’m the Humor editor for the Weekly, a Cancer (with a Leo cusp). I enjoy crossword puzzles and candles that smell like the ocean. I doubt you know me personally, but I feel as though I know you intimately since you ejaculated multiple times in Newcomb, a building in which I spend a good deal of my time.

I spend hours every week in the newsroom you likely ejaculated in and around. Each week I rack my brain for new material that I hope will delight and challenge my dwindling readership. I pour my heart and soul into Newcomb, the very place you poured your semen.

You and me? We aren’t so different. I also have clothing that says “EAGLE ROCK” on it. I, too, wish to be noticed by a larger audience. I may not steal underwear belonging to students, but I’d be lying if I said I didn’t steal abandoned bread from the toaster in the Marketplace every now and then (no meal plan :/).

And, perhaps, when something I’ve written gets shared on Facebook and “liked,” I feel a similar sense of gratification that you may have felt while publicly masturbating multiple times in Newcomb. I’m just speculating here.

Now, don’t think I’m being soft on you (no pun intended). When I learned about what you’d done via social media and a campus-wide email alert, I would place myself in the camp of students who felt “very upset” by your actions. You’ve scared a lot of innocent people. Being 20 is difficult enough without strangers illegally entering our residence halls and workspaces to steal underwear and ejaculate onto our stuff. Life at college can be hard as it is (pun intended).

Which brings me to my next point. I just want to express how perplexed I am by the sheer number of separate times you were able to ejaculate onto things in Newcomb. May I suggest alternate opportunities for you to, ahem, channel your energy? Have you considered:

  • A sperm bank
  • While taking a shower
  • In your own bathroom
  • Any place you have a right to be privately, for that matter.
  • That’s it, actually. Those are pretty much the only places you can masturbate. I apologize if this list is limiting.

In conclusion, please don’t come back. You came, you saw, you came. Let’s leave it at that.

Sincerely,

Genevieve Babcock

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