EAGLE ROCK, Calif. Taking a charitable stance in a world rife with cynicism and destitution, a local college hero took 15 precious minutes out of his Wednesday to donate blood during an on-campus blood drive.
“It was really the least I could do, what with all of the tragedy in our modern world today,” the barely 20-year-old said, when asked about his altruistic motives.
The on-campus superhero entered Lower Herrick at approximately 10:30 a.m. Wednesday morning with no scheduled appointment time. He felt selflessly ready and able to wait any length of time to make the world a better place. Realizing that there was no line, he walked to the fold-out table, leafed through the required reading material and filled out the donor information sheet in his neatest handwriting, so as not to burden any technicians.
When called, he proceeded to the pre-screening station, bravely presenting an unfaltering left ring finger to be pricked for a blood sample. He made only one joke about being “under pressure from midterms, too” while having his blood pressure checked. Once cleared, he sat in the nearest fold-out bed, casually looked away, and closed his eyes. He sharply inhaled as the needle was inserted and pressed play on the episode of “Modern Love” he started earlier that morning.
When he had completed his heroic duty, the modern William Wallace strode over to the recovery area, where he took only one Rice Krispies Treat. Upon exiting the building and stepping onto the quad, the entire campus erupted in applause.
“At first, I was unsure of what specifically was so special about him, but the moment my eyes landed on that red adhesive bandage wrapped around his left elbow, I mean, wow, I was just blown away by his selflessness,” one student said.
“Our tour guide had just finished explaining the different meal plans to us and how Oxy is apparently ranked eighth for campus dining in the country when I saw him,” one prospective student said.
The prospective student relayed that they committed to Occidental immediately afterward. “It was a great day to be a Tiger indeed,” they said.
The revelry continued long after Our Savior’s appearance. Roses were continuously hurled from third 3rd floor Johnson windows and offerings of gold, frankincense and myrrh were repeatedly laid at his feet. Every professor elected to cancel classes for the remainder of the day. Numerous students lifted and carried him into the sunset to celebrate the unrivaled charity of his solitary act.