April 4, 2017
Dear new boss who I will constantly explain as being “totally insane” to all my friends,
I am writing to express interest in the vague entry-level position as advertised on your website. I do not have the requisite “three to five years of relevant experience” that you say the position “warrants.” But you have something I need: a job and money (preferably in the form of U.S. currency). You see, I need a way to continue funding my Thursday nights spent on York Boulevard. I have never been so passionate about anything as I am about this position. I left the womb passionate about it. I also really love your company’s mission — whatever that is lemme just copy and paste that here real quick. It really resonates with me, mhmm.
Let me tell you a little about me and what I can generously “offer” you. Relevant experience? None. But I have very strong opinions about nearly everything. I attend a small liberal arts college, which means that I am talented at learning. The Hechinger Report claims that as a liberal arts student I am resilient and have the ability to recover from setbacks and cope with stress, which will be useful when you inevitably hire the two-time award winning film and chemical engineering double major from USC over me.
I would describe myself as an “innovative” critical thinker. As a liberal arts student, I’m supposed to be good at communication. This is a necessity, as I attend a school that has about five enrolled students. I’ve mastered calculating the exact number of times to attend office hours in order to raise an essay grade from a B to a B+. I’ve perfected the awkward half smile when saying “hello” to someone I might have drunkenly shared my life story with the night before, the same awkward half smile that will undoubtedly come in handy when you reprimand me for using social media in the office and I continue to do so.
Thank you so much for taking the time to consider me as a candidate for this position. I can’t guarantee that I will do this job well, but I can guarantee that I will do it for less money than whoever is currently being paid for it. My parents would seriously appreciate this, too.
Sincerely probably not the best idea that this is the tenth time I’m reusing the same exact cover letter for internship applications,