Author: Anthony Ostland and Henry Meier
Henry: During the middle of this past fall, my dear friend Anthony suffered a minor injury while playing a “sport” called football. While nothing serious like cancer or an ingrown toenail occurred, apparently he punctured a lung or something while picking daisies on the 40-yard line. Being the big baby he is, he got all choked up about “not being able to breathe” and had his parents take him to the hospital so they could rub his back. As his friend, I had to spend time with him and try not to make fun of his crying about having “tubes inserted into to his chest cavity.” Needless to say, it was a rough couple of weeks for me.
Anthony: Wow, Henry. I mean, when you put it like that, I really can’t argue with you. Oh wait, yes I can. Are you a doctor? No. So should people believe your feeble attempt at painting a speculative picture of my injury? No. Seeing as you believe you are entitled to provide your perspective on the story, allow me to give mine in the following neatly packaged timeline: 1) I was playing the great sport of football. 2) I received an unfortunate blow to the right side of my rib cage. 3) My lung burst, causing me to lose the ability to breathe. 4) I went to the hospital where the doctor told me I would need season-ending surgery. Does this ring a louder bell? Or perhaps you would like to explain why I “overreacted?”
Henry: I’m not saying you necessarily overreacted or anything (even though he totally did). All I’m saying is that when it comes down to the actual facts, you spent a couple weeks hanging out in bed. You’re looking at the situation all wrong.
Anthony: I’m looking at what situation all wrong?
Henry: The whole collapsed lung thing. I really think you’re neglecting to appreciate all the sweet “pros” that came from it.
Anthony: You seriously believe that collapsing my lung was a good thing? Do you really think that there are more “pros” than “cons,” assuming that there are even “pros” to begin with? Name me one pro.
Henry: Easy. Pro: Free hospital socks with grip traction bottoms.
Anthony: Con: Free tube in my lung.
Henry: Pro: Watching at least three full seasons of The Simpsons on DVD.
Anthony: Con: Watching doctors insert a tube into my lung three times.
Henry: Pro: Gaining a greater appreciation for the fragility of life.
Anthony: Con: Almost dying.
Henry: Pro: Having access to boatloads of pain medication.
Anthony: Con: Needing that medication to sleep for more than an hour at a time because the pain was so unbearable.
Henry: Pro: Bottomless cups of watered-down Gatorade.
Anthony: Con: Having to drink bottomless cups of watered-down Gatorade.
Henry: Pro: Huntington Memorial Hospital-located within walking distance of such landmarks as the Norton Simon Museum and the Rose Bowl.
Anthony: Con: Being hooked up to life-preserving machines that prevented me from getting up and walking to the bathroom.
Henry: Pro: Having Ivy’s (the hot nurse’s) undivided attention for at least three minutes a day-and what a sweet three minutes they were.
Anthony: I can’t argue with you on that! However, con: Having to spend the other 23 hours and 57 minutes with you.
Henry: Pro: Having one of your friends have a seizure when you tell him about the procedure of having a tube placed inside your lung.
Anthony: Henry, how is that a pro?
Henry: Seizures are funny, dude.
Anthony: . . . Sigh.
Anthony: Con: Missing the rest of my football season.
Henry: Pro: Uh, freeing up your evening for more Smash Brothers?
Anthony: Con: Having three noticeable incisions on the side of my chest.
Henry: Pro: Chicks dig scars.
Anthony: Con: COLLAPSING. A. LUNG.
Henry: Pro: Learning how to hold your breath better?
Anthony: CON! You’re an a-hole!
Henry: PRO! At least I’m an a-hole who doesn’t have a hole in my lung!
Henry: . . . So, call it a draw?
Anthony: Yeah, I’m cool with that.
Henry Meier is a senior Philosophy major. He can be reached at [email protected]
Anthony Ostland is a senior Philosophy major. He can be reached at [email protected]
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