Author: Abiel Garcia
So as of late, just like every other college student, I’ve been running a little low on cash. Especially in L.A., it is so hard to hold on to money, what with all the bars and attractions. So I was thinking of viable options to get money, and obviously, I did not want to find a real job. Now, every guy has thought about donating sperm. You know, you are sitting around talking to the sheriff and waiting for the posse to show up, and you think, man if I could only get paid to do this. Well, good news is: you can. Well, about 5% of you can. After doing some diligent research, a.k.a. searching sperm donation on Google, I’ve found a couple of rules that may surprise you on who can and cannot be a sperm donor.
The first surprising rule is: you have to be a minimum of 5″11. Sorry vertically-challenged men, but apparently no one wants your soldiers. Now this is understandable since I mean come on, if you could pick a child out, and this is purely hypothetical, would you pick out the short kid? And for those of you that answer yes, well, you’re special. So for those of you that are impaired, I’m sorry, but no beating your midget friend for some cash. Now for the rest of you manly-men that pass the 5″11 challenge, the next one is the weight test, for you must be around the ideal weight for your height. Now there are a multitude of charts out there and I’m not sure which one they use, but let’s just say, if you’re overweight, then your chances are not looking too good. The reason given for the weight thing is not aesthetic appearances and genetics, but also because a healthy weight correlates with healthy sperm. The next on the list is that you must have a high school degree, which I think is a smart move. We do not want the world to turn into the world from Idiocracy (a B-rated movie, I may add). For those of you who haven’t seen it, the movie explores what would happen if all the world’s dumb people mass reproduced, and ended up ruling the world. Anyways, you must have a GED, but the more degrees you have along with other material possessions, the more money you get every time you fire a missile. Last but not least, you cannot have or ever have had hepatitis B or C, HIV, genital herpes, venereal warts, Ebola, or that disease that makes Brad Pitt look like he did in The Curious Case of Benjamin Button.
Now, if you have made it past all the stipulations above, you then have to leave three samples for the people to test for four things: count, mobility, freeze-ability and morphology (are they deformed?). If you pass this, then you get a full fledge battery of medical examines and need to report your family history for up to four generations. Still plugging through, then you get to sign the contract. This basically states that you have no legal responsibility, you HAVE to commit for the program for 6 months – 3 years, must maintain good health, be tested every three months for certain diseases, cannot fight the purple ninja for five days before you deposit, and after 10 little kiddos are born from your pudding, then you are done for good.
Now this whole process takes anywhere from 3 weeks to 6 months, with many samples being left without compensation. Only about 5% of applicants are approved and some banks only pay $1 to $45 per sample, while other banks can promise up to $200 a week for weekly donations. That is a lot of rules to follow, but the one thing that jumped out at me was having 10 kids from your sperm walking around. Think about it: the bank is going to be near your house, and the people that get the sperm are going to be from the area, so potentially, when you are old, you could have ten people walking around in the area that are related to you. Expanding upon the idea, it could lead to the notion of incest, but thinking about it a little more: the probabilities of all ten people staying in the area and also donating sperm are minute. Also, the time needed for it to develop would be hundreds, if not thousands, of years. Yet, it’s still gross to think about.
So there you have it, want to make some cash by spanking the dolphin, be ready to take at least 6 months out of your life leaving samples and getting tested.
Abiel Garcia is a senior Economics major. He can be reached at firstname.lastname@example.org.
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