Author: Max Weidman
Because some of what follows will likely be specifically offensive, I’ll get my venom pumping with a harmless exercise against my nemeses: winged creatures. I accept the coolness of certain critters: the falcon, bat, owl, etc. Most of the animals equipped with wings, however, are disgusting. I submit the pigeon, crow, wasp, fly and countless others. These—as well as the seagull, yellow jacket, and chicken—are an embarrassment to nature and a blemish upon her perfection. As for homo sapiens…
Folks these days are frequently talking on cell phones. Some of the population is apparently so busy doing stuff with their hands that they have bought Bluetooth headsets. I’ll address them first. First of all, you don’t look cool; you look schizophrenic. Also, if you’re all busy, running around dressed like extras in a John Grisham made-for-TV movie, why are you talking about the most inane nonsense on your $50 gadget? As far as those who need it to drive—or to obey the law, which might or might not require it—just get some friends and you won’t be so bored in traffic.
Everybody’s always preaching the gospel of Whole Foods. They love every Trader Joe’s sauce, every Wild Oats . . . oat. First of all, even though your Prius is parked in the lot, the food you bought was delivered by a truck. Somebody told me once that the average food item travels 1,500 miles before it gets to your plate. He was a liberal so I don’t know if I believe him. The point is I come from a land where you buy your produce at stands on the side of (barely) two-lane roads that don’t accommodate an 18-wheeler too well. The fact that you buy yours in a trendy supermarket that overcharges you—except for the free chips and guac—doesn’t impress me. If you’ve never worked a garden or hung out on a farm, you oughtn’t to be talking about “natural food” anyway. Your brown pants look stupid. You should go to the Eagle Rock farmer’s market instead—or back to Oregon. That would be nice.
This leaves people who rep their city to death. I am looking at you, San Francisco, but I’ll try to degrade the whole West Coast so you don’t feel as bad. First of all, if where you used to live is so tight you feel compelled to drive back every other weekend, maybe you weren’t ready to leave. I know you miss your mommy—go to her. Secondly, proclaiming about the hyphy movement if you’ve never thizzed is like being a Dead Head and never dropping acid. Thirdly, LA is hella tight—that’s why most of us came. Explore. Finally, you didn’t invent blunts and you don’t roll them better than the rest of the world. The city I rep was named after one (Philly). As for the West Coast at large, regardless of whether or not yours is the best coast, you’re not warranted to talk about the East unless you’ve lived there. If you’ve never even left your side of the country, I not only feel sorry for you, but would ask you to please shut up and come visit some time.
Max Weidman is a junior ECLS major. He can be reached at email@example.com.
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